By: Faith Feuer. Coach , 4ucoaches.com

As we begin the new year, I am reminded of how essential the concepts of agency and self-determination are to any journey of self-development, self-discovery or change. This was brought to mind by a recent conversation with my neighbor at a New Year’s Eve party. He was recounting a visit that he had just had with his father, who is now almost 80 years old. During this visit, my neighbor (let’s call him “John”), told me that he was finally able to make peace with his father. I was aware of his difficult upbringing and the scars that he bears from childhood trauma. His father confided that he deeply regretted their past, to which John replied, “Dad, I don’t, because without it, I wouldn’t have become the person that I am today. I respect you as my father and thank you for raising me”. This attitude struck me as remarkably enlightened. Moreover, if you knew my neighbor, you would know that what he said to his father could not be more true. Despite staggering odds, this is a man who has been incredibly successful in his professional life and has filled his personal life with the love of his wife, 5 children and 10 grandchildren. His family is the gem of the neighborhood and their home is always full of friends and festivities. John’s secret to success was that he was able to take those parts of his past and his upbringing which were valuable to him and expand on them, while at the same time rejecting or changing all of those parts that did not serve him. As a result, he built an entirely new structure for his life, made of elements entirely of his own choosing. 

John’s story recalled to me my own journey through parenthood. My oldest daughter always asks me how she can be sure that she will be a good mom one day. She is the kindest, most wonderful person in the world, so there is no doubt in my mind that she will be an amazing parent. However, what I tell her is that the best advice that I can give her is that she should take the things that she believes that my husband and I did right and do those things, and take those aspects of her childhood that she did not appreciate and do something different. There are many things about my own upbringing that I deeply resent, and it is only natural and human to feel a certain amount of bitterness. But, like my neighbor, I would not be the parent that I am today without my past. One of the reasons for which I was so eager to start a family was that I wanted the chance to do better. I am not perfect by any means, but watching my children thrive in the environment that my husband and I provided for them has not only created a better present and future emotional landscape for me, but has also helped heal the wounds of the past. The love that I share with my husband and children is 100 percent the best thing in my life and it has only been possible because I made the conscious decision that it was. 

Every human being is the sum of their inherent traits, their past and, most importantly, their choices. The message here is not “don’t be a victim”. No one wants to minimize trauma. We have committed and talented therapists to help us confront painful pasts and move on from them. When we are ready to take our first steps forward, it is my wish that we can keep in mind the idea that those traits, those personal histories and those choices are all building blocks that we can throw into a circle, select the ones we want and discard or change the ones that we do not. It is our prerogative and our privilege to do so. As we begin 2025, I hope that we will remember that every journey of self-betterment begins with recognizing the power of our own agency. When we are ready to make a change, this will be the most powerful tool at our disposal. 

#selfdevelopment #selfdiscovery #careerdevelopment